Top Secret Salad Gnome

List Sixty Six.

2009-04-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

A list of why lists suck:

1. They're close-minded.
2. They're just too short.
3. And if they're long, they're wayyy too long.
4. I bet they beat their children.
5. And they murder the most defenseless and adorable kittens.
6. Only jerky people like them.
7. They never take baths, so they smell bad.
8. They still believe in Santa Claus.
9. They stole my boyfriend.
10. JUST KIDDING!!!!! HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!!!!!!

List Sixty Five.

2009-02-22T18:29:00.000-08:00

A list of famous triplets (probability of 1 out of 8000 pregnancies):

1. Diana, Sylvia, and Vicky Villegas: used to be in a group called "The Triplets." They are best known for their 1991 single, "You Don't Have To Go Home Tonight." I can't sing it for you.
2. Petra, Rachel, and Tanya Haden: musician ladies active in numerous bands. Rachel and Petra were once in the '90s band "That Dog" - oh, the wonderful memories of my middle school.
3. Helen, Kate, and Lil Armstrong: first accepted set of triplets all to be accepted to Cambridge University. I don't know who were the first triplets accepted to Harvard, sorry.
4. The Saunders triplets (IMDB doesn't attribute their first names and that makes me angry): played the baby Harry Potter in that Harry Potter movie that I hate and everyone loves.
5. Erica, Jaclyn and Nicole Dahm: blond playmates who co-ordinated breast implants to advance their naked careers (think about the term "naked careers").
6. Craig, Nick and Ryan Karshner: model dudes for Abercrombie and Fitch and Cingular. Also they have a calendar.
7. Alex, Claire and Robert Chapman: mom was barely seventeen when she had these kids. That's a whole lot of growing up to do.
8. Joy, Leanna and Monica Creel: starred in various made for TV parent trap movies. Leanna was in "Saved By The Bell" as Tori Scott, and has her own photo business thing with terrible music, maybe you shouldn't click the link oh god the music.
9. Alice Holmes, Doris Kingston and Gladys Caress: old living set of triplets. Gladys has one of the sauciest old lady names ever.
10. Arecelia Garcia was 54 when she had a naturally conceived set of triplets. Wikipedia hates me and doesn't want to tell me their first names either, and also, I'm done with this list, I feel thricely educated enough.

List Sixty Four

2009-02-17T20:41:00.000-08:00

10 Over-Sharing Things that I Almost, but Didn't, Include in my "25 things about me" list on Facebook.

1. Friends I've had sexy dreams about.
2. Family members I've had sexy dreams about.
3. My GPA.
4. Mistakes I made in High School bathrooms.
5. How I lost my virginity.
6. What I read while I am on the toilet.
7. How much I stalk everybody on facebook, especially you.
8. Thoughts concerning my farts vs. other peoples farts.
9. Professors I've had sexy dreams about.
10. A 5000 word account of my current and past relationships, written in an emotional stream of conscious style.

List Sixty Three.

2009-01-28T10:19:00.000-08:00

A list of sovereign states that could also double as sexy dance moves.

1. Burundi.
2. Tonga.
3. Kiribati.
4. Djibouti.
5. The Gambia.
6. Panama.
7. Tuvalu.
8. Antigua (but not Barbuda).
9. Vanuatu.
10. Uganda.

List Sixty Two.

2008-12-25T22:21:00.000-08:00

A (Best Of!) List Of The Top Napkins Of 2008.

1. The pink and yellow polka-dotted one that matches my pink and yellow polka-dotted jumpsuit and my pink and yellow polka-dotted luggage set, but not my blue and yellow polka-dotted socks.
2. The plain red one. It's really plain. But basic. It absorbs rather well.
3. The one that caught on fire once. I don't know what color it was originally. However, it saved my life, back in the Great Napkin Fire of 1988.
4. The cotton rayon green plaid one that once belonged to my Scottish uncle Thaddeus.
5. The one I used at that restaurant when I was 4 and it covered my whole torso.
6. The one my best friend bought for me because it reminded her of vikings.
7. The one that I can't tell you what it looks like because FBI agents use it.
8. The one with the picture of Jean-Luc Picard on it.
9. The blue one with the ketchup stains.
10. The monogrammed napkin of IAW that I bought at a yard sale once.

List Sixty One

2008-12-19T16:15:00.001-08:00

A list about lists:
Select articles from Wiki-How that I have found particularly inspiring.

1. How to Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist
2. How to Avoid Getting Shot by a Police Officer
3. How to Visualize Your New Chatroom Friend
4. How to Have a Successful Garden Gnome Community
5. How to Get Rid of Lice With Orange Juice
6. How to Understand Philosophical Determinism
7. How to Handle a Nervous Pony
8. How to Survive a Freestyle Rap Battle
9. How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs
10. How to Make a Diaper Cake

List Sixty.

2008-11-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

A list of what some countries call their dollar store franchises:

1. Mexico: Waldo's Dollar Mart
2. England: Poundland
3. Denmark: Tiger
4. France: Monoprix
5. Sweden: Bubbeltian
6. Australia: Crazy Clark's
7. Japan: Cando
8. Malta: Tal-Lira
9. United States: Deal$
and my personal favorite:
10. Canada: Your Dollar Store With More

List Fifty Nine.

2008-11-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

A list of differences between mannequins and humans:

1. Mannequin life span is estimated to top out in the thirty-something range, although the elder ones will swear that they're just twenty-somethings.
2. Human beings consume a great deal less amount of hairspray per capita than mannequins.
3. To describe a mannequin as having "a stick up [his/her] butt" is just a way of life for some, whereas for humans, the connotations are typically negative concerning certain conservative attributes.
4. Fashion is the number one priority of mannequins, while human beings site "survival" as their most important activity.
5. Mannequins are in the top ten in the Guinness Book of World Records for not-blinking (statues, or other eyeless things currently place higher), while human beings are not even considered for this feat.
6. Real estate prices for mannequins goes for a lot cheaper than humans, being that all most mannequins require is a storefront window and no other amenities.
7. Most humans celebrate religious holidays; most mannequins are atheist.
8. There's only ever been one popular diet method for mannequins - not eating - but humans have endured countless waves of fad diets (Atkins, South Beach, etc.)
9. Nearly all mannequins call Robert Palmer their favorite musician, but human beings tend to be all over the map, admiring singers who run the gamut from Bruce Springsteen to Boy George.
10. Crime rate amongst mannequins lies in the 0 percent range, as human beings commit pretty much all of the violence-related occurrences in the world.

List Fifty Eight.

2008-10-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

A list of OTHER explanations given at the freedictionary for the acronym WTF (yes, the obvious was not listed, so I am left in the dark about this crazy internet phenomenon):

1. World Taekwondo Federation
2. Welcome to Finland
3. Wednesday Thursday Friday
4. Wireless Telecommunications Facilities
5. Why the Frown?
6. Women's Track and Field
7. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
8. Write to File
9. Where's the Fire?
10. Weekly Top Five

List Fifty Seven.

2008-10-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

A list of suggested domain names suggested to me, J. Astra Brinkmann, over at godaddy.com.

1. www.TheAstraCasino.com
2. www.TheBrinkmannGas.com
3. www.AstraZenGuide.com
4. www.SuperBrinkmann.com
5. www.YourBrinkmannGrill.com
6. www.TheAstraVentures.com
7. www.BestBrinkmannPartner.com
8. www.TheBrinkmannSchwarzwald.com
9. www.AstraBrinkmannWorld.com (why did this take so long to get to?)
10. www.AstraDirect.com

List Fifty Six.

2008-10-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

A *pictured* list of some particularly bearded dead white males:

1. Norman Kittson

2. James Russell Lowell

3. Johann Strauss II

4. Mathew Brady

5. Carl Schurz

6. José Antonio Romualdo Pacheco, Jr.

7. Maximilian I of Mexico

8. Fitzhugh Lee

9. James L. Kemper

10. Finally, "Grandpa Beard" himself, Joseph Emerson Brown

List Fifty Five.

2008-10-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

A list of reasons why procrastinating is severely more exciting than doing your laundry.

1. Laundry is for plebeians.
2. Depending on your living situation, sometimes it's a coin-op. Procrastinating is totally free.
3. There are probably way more trendy t-shirts you can buy regarding procrastination than ones talking about laundry.
4. Laundry doesn't allow you to do anything but wait. Procrastinating is a versatile past-time, ranging from listening to music, petting a cat, or even sky-diving (only for the extreme procrastinator).
5. Procrastinating has the Latin prefix "Pro" which is positive in meaning. Most people don't know this, but laundry is an ancient Etruscan word for "must be avoided at all costs because the task is so boring."
6. There are more accidents associated with laundry than procrastinating. For example: the tragedy of sweater-shrinkage, or the slipping into a puddle whilst carrying a load of FRESHLY CLEANED LAUNDRY. Procrastinating rarely results in harm.
7. Procrastination is much more easily rhymed than laundry. This proves to be very useful whenever you find yourself in a freestyle competition.
8. Folding, hanging and putting away laundry is so much more exhausting than procrastinating.
9. Laundry is a chore that is a never-ending cycle of horror. You can stop or resume procrastinating whenever you like.
10. In creating this list, I have effectively procrastinated and perhaps produced some chuckles. When I go and perform my laundry duty, no one laughs at me, and I get upset.

List Fifty Four.

2008-08-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

A list of books Lillian Jackson Braun would write if she were no longer a technophobe* and wished to change her demographic to cater to a hipper audience:

1. The Cat Who Always Blogged About It.
2. The Cat Who Can Has Cheezburger.
3. The Cat Who Was On A Reality TV Show.
4. The Cat Who Still Used Napster.
5. The Cat Who Only Drank Soymilk Because It Was Afraid Of The Hormones Found In Cow's Milk.
6. The Cat Who Preferred Facebook To Myspace.
7. The Cat Who Was On My Stuff.**
8. The Cat Who Never Missed An Episode Of Grey's Anatomy.
9. The Cat Who Could Text Faster Than It Could Speak.
10. The Cat Who Bought An iPhone.

*she apparently writes all of her novels on a typewriter.
**really clever, don't you think?

List Fifty-Three

2008-06-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

Recent Baby-related headlines from Foxnews.com

1. Baby Weighs 30 Pounds, Lives on French Fry Diet
2. Baby With Tumor Born Twice, Now Healthy 4-Week-Old
3. Drunk Baby Born '15 Times' Over the Limit
4. Woman Unaware of Pregnancy Gives Birth at Party
5. Nanny Rips Baby Girl From Jaws of Coyote in California Sandbox
6. Jessica Alba Gives Birth to Baby Girl
7. Tori Spelling Gives Birth to Baby Girl
8. Baby Girl Born With Two Faces Worshipped as Reincarnated God
9. Couple Arrested for Putting Days-Old Baby Up for Sale On Craigslist
10. Huge Flying Reptiles May Have Eaten Baby Dinosaurs

List Fifty Two

2008-05-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

Best Not Appropriate for Work Spam Subject Lines (Part I):

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List Fifty One

2008-05-23T17:47:00.001-07:00

Top Ten Non-Violent but Satisfying Things to do to People You Don't Like

1. Unfriend them on your social networking site of choice.
2. Spray paint them.
3. Send them a singing telegram delivered by a clown.
4. Make a deal with Zeus so that it always rains on their parade..
5. Teach their cat how to talk.
6. Fill their gas tank with tarantulas.
7. Program their computer to play Beyonce without cessation every time it is powered on.
8. Rig it so that on Halloween, all the houses they go to are only dispensing candy corn.
9. Tell them Santa Claus isn't real.
10. Switch their vegetarian chili for beef stew, or, switch their beef stew for vegetarian chili.

List Fifty

2008-05-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

pornos that maureen dowd (or myself) might buy, if they existed, which they should, i must admit:

1. the new york times presents a very special night with frank rich
2. ferryboat to scum island
3. animal cracker orgy disaster
4. twelve penises fight over one lonely vagina
5. lobbyists who dare!
6. i left my heart in rhodesia: a child sex slave case study
7. cocked: an ode to dennis farina
8. yellow rose of sex-as
9. trannies grannies, and dolphins: the golden girls wild seaworld adventure
10. department of the treasury gets down and dirty

List Forty Nine.

2008-05-06T22:13:00.001-07:00

A list of items that mayonnaise could be a stunt double for:

1. Cake icing.
2. Sour milk.
3. Toothpaste.
4. Grout.
5. Lubricant.
6. Deoderant.
7. Sunscreen.
8. Snot.
9. Claymation Santa mustache.
10. Unicorn hairspray.

List Forty Eight

2008-05-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

Items confiscated by the police from the backseat of Lil Jon's pimped out ride:

1. The Complete Idiots Guide to Baby Massage
2. Several bottles of vintage Cabernet Sauvignon
3. A feathered head-dress
4. A Dictionary
5. Lil Wayne
6. Lil Bo
7. Lil Kim
8. Lil Romeo
9. Lil Weezy
10. Salad Tongs

List Forty Seven

2008-05-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

Words that pair well with the Suffix "-ista"

1. Car Washista
2. Jellybeanista
3. Scientologista
4. Genghis Khanista
5. Pepperonista
6. Whooping Coughista
7. Alabamista
8. Pedophilista
9. Jeep Grand Cherrokista
10. Taoista

List Forty Six

2008-05-05T13:48:00.001-07:00

The Top Ten Images that Appear when One Searches for "Anything" on Google Images (can you spot the NSFW?):

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3.

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10.

List Forty Five

2008-05-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

The Top Ten Ways to Avoid Being Sunburned this Summer:

1. Always stand under a cloud.
2. Replace your skin with those sun visors for car windshields.
3. Have an umbrella surgically implanted in your skull.
4. Rebuild the ozone layer.
5. Eat sunscreen for breakfast.
6. Get bitten by a vampire.
7. Take up knitting.
8. Dig a hole to China.
9. Construct a covered walkway from your front door to anywhere you might possibly ever go.
10. Run for President and, upon your victory, declare a War on Cancer and nuke the sun.

List Forty Four.

2008-05-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

A list of things that are unpleasant to touch:

1. Hydrochloric acid.
2. Pool algae.
3. Certain people.
4. Shed hair that has collected in the shower drain.
5. Porcupine quills.
6. Festering open wounds.
7. Soggy bread.
8. Poison arrow frogs.
9. Boiling water.
10. Grease stains.

List Forty Three.

2008-05-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

A list of exciting things that google autofills when I type certain letters in the search box:

1. w: wang center for the performing arts
2. b: buttocks parts
3. s: salacious dictionary
4. f: fergie pee pants
5. a: alligator vs crocodile
6. r: robo-sapians expansion team
7. h: heidi montag spencer pratt engagement
8. e: eliza does NOT count as a girlfriend
9. m: marky mark and the funky bunch
10. y: you don't drink, you don't smoke

List Forty Two.

2008-05-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

Top 10 reasons why Laura is cool enough to write Lists for this blog:

1. She steals Sperm Donor Advertisements from the T.
2. She has met Tron Guy.
3. Her favorite variety of fish paste is Lizardfish paste.
4. Luigi > Mario.
5. Her favorite vagina related song is "New Vagina" by the Bloodhoud Gang.
6. Despite (or maybe because of) being a vegetarian, she thinks food tastes better if it is shaped like or resembles an animal. Preferably a cute animal. Examples of this include Gummi bears, Hello-Kitty noodles, and Mrs Butterworth.
7. She has met Bob Dole.
8. When she is not Laura, she is actually George, and we all know girls with boy names are kinda cool.
9. She filed her taxes on April 14th at 4pm.
10. She can weld.

List Forty One.

2008-05-02T15:01:00.001-07:00

Top Ten Things Bill Clinton Might Eat for Breakfast.

1. A burrito.
2. A can of tomato soup.
3. The hearts of small children.
4. Reynolds wrap.
5. Extremely erotic spandex swimwear.
6. Argentina.
7. Chris Wallace.
8. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
9. Crack cocaine.
10. Chelsea Clinton.

List Forty.

2008-05-02T14:57:00.001-07:00

Top Ten Reasons Claire is Cool Enough to Write Lists on this Blog:

1. She has never seen Astra naked.
2. Her nose is pert.
3. She once sang "Happy Birthday" to Albert Belle.
4. You might not know this, but she is short.
5. She is really into nationalism.
6. She has lots of rocks.
7. Her hair is pretty cool.
8. She is an award winner.
9. Her mother looks like Peggy Hill.
10. Only she can prevent forest fires.

List Thirty Nine.

2008-04-28T03:44:00.000-07:00

A list of high-priced real estate if we lived in the world of cockroaches:

1. Under kitchen sinks.
2. Ramshackle buildings.
3. Sewer drains.
4. Garbage cans.
5. Darkened corners of garages.
6. Backyard compost piles.
7. Behind cardboard boxes in closets.
8. Basements of any sort.
9. Between stacks of cinder blocks.
10. With the boogeyman.

List Thirty Eight.

2008-04-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

A list of things that are invisible:

1. Flatulence.
2. Ghosts.
3. The invisible man.
4. Honking noises.
5. Neutrons.
6. Certain lolcat accessories.
7. Deep thoughts.
8. Electronic pet fences.
9. Clever chameleons.
10. Gamma rays.

List Thirty Seven.

2008-04-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

A list of marvelously useless microcosmic actions:

1. Searching the term "google" on google.
2. Inviting yourself to an instant message chat.
3. Auto-cannibalism.
4. Spraying perfume on a bottle of perfume.
5. Doctors making appointments to see a doctor.
6. High-fiving an overhanging sign with the sole word "five" as its message.
7. Punching a bowl of punch.
8. Placing a toaster inside of an oven.
9. Visiting the "ATM machine."
10. Writing lists about lists.

List Thirty Six.

2008-04-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

A list of things that North and South Dakota have in common:

1. The word "Dakota."
2. They were both admitted to the union on November 2, 1889.
3. They have the same state grass, which is the "Western Wheatgrass."
4. Lutherans make up the largest religious group in both states.
5. Approximately 2 percent of the population speaks German at home.
6. Interstate 29 runs through both states.
7. Their state capitals are not their largest cities.
8. Neither state has the last name "Fanning."
9. They share state borders with Minnesota and Montana.
10. At least 88 percent of the population is white.

List Thirty Five.

2008-04-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

A list of things to look forward to when you get old:

1. Being expected to wear really heinous and/or outlandish clothing on days other than Halloween.
2. The legitimate ability to tell anyone to "respect their elders" and actually have it apply in your favor.
3. The potential to take out your dentures at inopportune moments and possibly embarrass your family.
4. The knowledge that a good part of your descriptive vernacular could make you sound more fascinating by default (how cool of a word is "humdinger"? Or "dungarees"???).
5. You'll never have to think about getting a different haircut after reaching the age of 65.
6. All of your belongings will eventually become valuable antiques.
7. Not caring what you look like anymore when you hit the beach.
8. Being out of touch with really vacuous celebrity culture.
9. Driving obnoxiously large luxury cars.
10. Using the excuse "my hearing's not so good anymore" so you can blast your music as loud as you fucking please.

List Thirty Four.

2008-04-20T20:04:00.001-07:00

A list of things that would probably be different about living in another dimension:

1. When flushing the toilet, water will both flow counter clockwise and regular clockwise, depending on its mood that day.
2. Birds will no longer fly, but jump very, very far from one object to the next.
3. Instant foods will instead require thirteen extra minutes of preparation time to make.
4. The letter C will now make the sound of a J, but J would still sound like a J, but quieter and with a slight lisp.
5. Sweaters will be articles of clothing that simply make you sweat, but not necessarily keep you warm.
6. Trash will take itself out.
7. Australia's capital will be called "Australiaville."
8. No one will find mice even remotely cute.
9. Libraries will be institutions that borrow books from you.
10. Clouds will be made of cotton candy but it will still rain regular rain, only it would be pink.

List Thirty Three.

2008-04-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

A list of things that become holy once exclaimed:

1. shit!
2. fuck!
3. cow!
4. moley! (or moly)
5. mackerel!
6. smoke!
7. crap!
8. cannoli!
9. balls!
10. hell!

List Thirty Two.

2008-04-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

A list of terms that get grammatical nerds hot and bothered:

1. Gerund.
2. Apposition.
3. Interpolation.
4. Dangling participle.
5. Parallel structure.
6. Comma splice.
7. Dependent marker word.
8. Phrasal verb.
9. Modal verb.
10. Passive voice.

List Thirty One.

2008-04-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

A list of numbers found in the sequence of pi:

1. 8
2. 4
3. 9
4. 1
5. 0
6. 2
7. 6
8. 5
9. 3
10. 7

List Thirty.

2008-04-16T02:22:00.001-07:00

A list of endangered things (i.e., things you don't see very often but wish you did):

1. Typewriters.
2. Non-yellow taxi cabs.
3. Fruit stripe gum.
4. Wax lips.
5. Scratch and sniff objects.
6. Salads whose contents aren't overwhelmed by (disgustingly bland) iceberg lettuce.
7. People dressed up in costume.
8. Robes.
9. Poltergeists.
10. Hot-dog shaped dogs.

List Twenty Nine.

2008-04-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

*A list of things where less is definitely more:

1. Pimples.
2. Felonies.
3. Wedgies.
4. Messes.
5. Garlic.
6. Insults.
7. Commercials.
8. Stink bombs.
9. Mosquitoes.
10. Snake bites.

*This was supposed to be Tuesday's posting. Therefore, there will be two Wednesday postings.

List Twenty Eight.

2008-04-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

A list of things that go up:

1. Elevators.
2. Balloons.
3. What.
4. Spirits.
5. Arrows.
6. Beams (hint: think about Scotty).
7. Happy dog tails.
8. See-saws.
9. Hands.
10. Mountains.

List Twenty Seven.

2008-04-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

A list of things that cause cancer which scientists have not discovered yet:

1. Tables
2. Tote bags
3. Other people
4. Hugs (yes, this is different from other people because you can give yourself a hug)
5. Spiral notebooks
6. Scissors
7. Vowels
8. Wind
9. Napping for 15 minute periods
10. Fingernail clippings

List Twenty Six.

2008-04-12T20:13:00.001-07:00

A list of things that average people can already do, but these certain animals performing them would be amazing to see:

1. A porcupine writing its own name.
2. An octopus putting a crab in a jar.
3. A parrot correctly and consistently identifying the difference between red and blue.
4. A dog dialing 911.
5. A bunny playing Chopsticks on the piano.
6. A koala braiding someone's hair.
7. A bear jumping rope.
8. A kangaroo fishing with a fishing pole.
9. A giraffe walking along a straight line.
10. Giraffes in general, actually.

List Twenty Five.

2008-04-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

A list of clothing items that men should avoid wearing:

1. Socks scrunched around the ankles.
2. Visors.
3. Pleated pants.
4. Shirts with "ironically misogynistic" phrases.
5. All athletic wear if you are not doing something athletic: this goes for gross running shoes, sweatpants and tacky striped nylon windbreaker-things.
6. Zippered shirts, especially those that only zip from the top of the collar to the mid-chest region.
7. Sandals - this excludes flip flops if you are at the beach.
8. T-shirts tucked into the jeans.
9. Backpacks - why, are you still in sixth grade?
10. Long-sleeved shirts tied around the waist.

List Twenty Four.

2008-04-10T03:43:00.000-07:00

A list of musical artists / bands who might have missed their calling to be children's books:

1. Say Hi To Your Mom
2. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
3. Rex The Dog
4. A Sunny Day In Glasgow
5. My Brightest Diamond
6. Johnny And The Moon
7. Volcano I'm Still Excited!!
8. Saturday Looks Good To Me
9. Oh No! Oh My!
10. Monster Bobby

List Twenty Three.

2008-04-09T02:04:00.000-07:00

A list of words that most likely don't belong in a pirate's vernacular:

1. Sequins
2. Potpourri
3. Fabulous
4. Taffeta
5. Doiley
6. Ylang-ylang
7. Sensual
8. Cosmopolitan
9. Pentameter
10. LOL

List Twenty Two.

2008-04-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

A list of suggested names for Shannyn Sossamon's next child:

1. Catheter Tube
2. Marine Biology
3. Industrial Park
4. Terabyte Harddrive
5. Car Battery
6. Vacuum Cleaner
7. Combustion Engine
8. Outer Space
9. Electrical Current
10. (my personal favorite:) Ultra Violet (...Ray?)

List Twenty One.

2007-12-16T23:43:00.000-08:00

A list of methods of transportation to avoid:

1. Any of the following rivers: Styx, Phlegethon, Lethe, Cocytus, and Acheron.
2. Two-toed sloths.
3. Any untested time machine.
4. Cars missing their engines.
5. Bikes missing their brakes.
6. Amelia Earhart's Lockheed 10E.
7. The Titanic.
8. Skydiving without a parachute
9. With your diarrhetic
10. AND FINALLY THE WORST OF ALL - THE STUPID GREYHOUND BUS SYSTEM BECAUSE THEY TAKE FOREVER AND ALWAYS BREAK DOWN.

List Twenty (for Claire).

2007-12-02T20:26:00.000-08:00

A list of Justin Timberlake lyrics that are either ridiculous or unnecessary:

1. I think she's ready to blow / Must be my future sex love sound
2. They call me candle guy / simply because I am on fire
3. When you cheated girl / My heart bleeded girl
4. Let's watch Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives / Simon says touch yours while you touch mine
5. Ridin' in the drop top with the top down / Saw you switchin' lanes girl
6. Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job
7. In the mall kids, "that's how the chain glow" / Point to her they say, "wow, it's the same glow" / Point to me I say, "yeah, it's the same dough"
8. Said the air is thick / it's smelling right / So you pass to the left and you sail to the right
9. When you took my hand up so calm / Touched it to your cherry lip balm
10. I wanna be your lake / for your bay / And any problems that you have / I wanna wash 'em away

List Nineteen.

2007-11-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

A list of animal combinations are pretty fun to say (and imagine!)

1. Beaver + Caribou = Beaverbou
2. Falcon + Centipede = Falcopede
3. Platypus + Spider = Platypider
4. Kangaroo + Raccoon = Kangaccoon
5. Hummingbird + Walrus = Hummingrus
6. Tarantula + Cicada = Taranticada
7. Manatee + Giraffe = Manaraffe
8. Narwhal + Flamingo = Narwhingo
9. Dolphin + Nematode = Dolphitode
10. Albatross + Chinchilla = Albachilla

List Eighteen.

2007-11-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

A list of measuring units that are seeking a comeback (in that fast-paced world of size and scale!):

1. Zeptometer.
2. Smoot.
3. Kilodalton.
4. Avogram.
5. Pulgada.
6. Palm.
7. Fathom.
8. Barleycorn.
9. Jigger.
10. Chaldron.

List Seventeen.

2007-11-26T01:32:00.000-08:00

A list of things your cell phone would like for Christmas:

1. Ear muffs.
2. An all-expenses paid trip to the Pitcairn Islands.
3. A manicure.
4. An old-fashioned address book or a T1-83 calculator.
5. A copy of James Joyce's "Ulysses."
6. Gold's Gym membership.
7. Shag carpeting.
8. Custom-fitted cashmere scarves.
9. A mix CD of songs more than 30 seconds long.
10. A cell phone of the opposite sex.

List Sixteen.

2007-11-23T22:21:00.000-08:00

A list of products that I would bring to fruition if I owned the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" company:

1. I Can't Believe It's Not Margarine!
2. I Can't Believe It's Not Water!
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Tofu!
4. I Can't Believe It's Not Salad Bag!
5. I Can't Believe It's Not Condoms!
6. I Can't Believe It's Not Toilet Paper!
7. I Can't Believe It's Not Mouthwash!
8. I Can't Believe It's Not Knife!
9. I Can't Believe It's Not Catfood!
10. I Can't Believe It's Not Car Insurance!

List Fifteen.

2007-11-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

A list of the most spectacular letters in the alphabet:

1. W - The only letter that takes THREE SYLLABLES to voice!
2. M - No matter which way you turn it, it's always a usable symbol (M, W, E, 3)!
3. C - Besides W (which clearly is the specialest), this is the only letter that doesn't make its sound when voiced!
4. Y - It's penultimate AND it's a question!
5. U - Like why, it also doubles as a real word!
6. O - If you lay two o's side by side, you get INFINITY but if you leave just an o by itself, you get NOTHING!
7. I - For those times that you feel selfish or acting like an optometrist!
8. K - What C as aspires to be, but isn't James Dean-y enough to go through with it!
9. V - It's the Roman numeral for 5 AND it points in a direction (A doesn't get this position because it's got a distracting bar in the middle of it)!
10. L - It can sometimes be confused for "I" or even "#1" but when capitalized, it's really a secret agent for the Half Square Association!

List Fourteen.

2007-11-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

A chronological list of things a loud-mouthed worker at a Dairy Queen publicized from between 5:30-5:45 PM on 11.21.07:

1. How much he liked the (TERRIBLE) Gwen Stefani song on the radio.
2. That he was going on a date with not one, but TWO girls later that evening.
3. It's appalling that his co-worker didn't know who "Whitey" was.
4. But he couldn't watch "Eight Crazy Nights" with his co-worker to educate her tonight because also? He was going to a "shin-dig."
5. He skipped the first two periods of school the other day.
6. In order to do so, though, he had to forge the date from an old note written by his parents.
7. He was promptly busted last night when his mom found the forged note in his pants.
8. But he doesn't want to do his own laundry ever because that's lame.
9. He's going to leave at 7 o'clock whether or not his replacement comes to relieve him.
10. He's a prime specimen for alien abduction.*

*Shit, that last one *I* made up.

List Thirteen.

2007-11-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

A list of things that you should avoid discussing with owls:

1. Knock knock jokes. There's nothing lamer to an owl than an extended "Whoooo's there?!"
2. And for that matter, singing, "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?" Afroman is a sworn enemy to all owls. [EDIT: One of the dudes from Baja Men was best friends with Afroman until Sir Calvin the Righteous, the Owl King in 2018, traveled back in time to murder said Baja Men man. Now, all there is for owls to hate is Afroman, and they do so loyally and passionately]
3. Asking if that house party they're throwing is going to be a "hootenanny."
4. Telling them that you liked their latest performance in the Harry Potter movie.
5. Daylight savings time.
6. Assuming that they can reenact that head-spinning scene in The Exorcist.
7. Rhetorically demanding if they were "raised in a barn." This is a very uncouth and uncultured move on your part, as almost all owls graduated from Yale.
8. Telling them to go to bed any earlier than 5 a.m. What, are you their mom or something?
9. Seagulls. It's like asking a Blood about a Crip.
10. Gushers, fruit roll-ups or any other similarly themed sugary product. Most owls have braces and don't want to be reminded of the days when they could eat such delectable products.

List Twelve.

2007-09-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

A list of words that are difficult to make negative:

1. Believe!
2. Go!
3. Live!
4. Smile!
5. Love!
6. Exclamationpoint!*
7. Fly!
8. Laugh!
9. Create!
10. Cats!

*If you think that that's more than one word, you're a Negative Nancy.

List Eleven.

2007-08-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

A list of things that I am allergic to:

1. Poison ivy.
2. Dust.
3. Mold.
4. Cats.
5. Dogs.
6. Pollen.
7. Cheap perfume.
8. People who are super dreamy.
9. People who are super dreamy and have girlfriends.
10. People who are super dreamy and have girlfriends and confuse the living owls out of me because they think that I understand but I'm actually just overanalytical so nothing makes sense.

List Ten.

2007-08-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

A list of bad places to puke:

1. On a computer.
2. On someone's head (that you like).
3. On yourself.
4. On a cloud (why are you in the air?).
5. In space.
6. In a pool.
7. On your meal.
8. At your wedding while exchanging vows.
9. Onto the time machine you just invented.
10. At a "puking cure" convention that you are hosting.

List Nine.

2007-08-15T01:22:00.000-07:00

A list of things that pet cats should not sit on:

1. Fire. Cats aren't cute when charred.
2. A bog filled with fleas and ticks. Self explanatory.
3. Their own catfood while you are trying to refill their food bowls.
4. Freshly painted objects... that you want to remain intact.
5. Laptops - who wants furdirt in their keyboard?
6. Clouds - just because a cat is fluffy doesn't mean it's fluffier than a cloud.
7. Magnets. Cats are actually robots and magnets will mess up their internal Cute-o-meter.
8. Any stuffed sharks. Unless you're a perv and you like cat on stuffed shark action.
9. The dashboard of your car while driving. They need to be steering, not decorating!
10. Your knife collection. If you have a cat that's not a robot, there is a chance that it's actually a furred-over balloon and you don't want to risk it popping.

List Eight.

2007-08-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

A list of terrible ideas for "going away" presents (and a list of exceptions!):

1. A bag of cement*
2. Q-tips that you used to clean out your cat's ears**
3. Anything with that "-be-gone!" suffix, i.e. "Itch Be Gone!", "Bugs Be Gone!" etc.***
4. Expired pickles****
5. Underwater goggles to fit a chihuahua*****
6. An autographed thank you note******
7. An empty jewel case entitled "Erotic Lounge Mix"*******
8. A $100 gift card for Tower Records********
9. A mix CD featuring sounds of despair, torture, sobbing, and war sounds*********
10. A garden gnome full of oregano**********

*1. Unless the person is off to build a splendid driveway
**2. Unless the person is a vet student who's writing his thesis about ear mites
***3. Unless that person is particularly itchy or buggy
****4. Unless the person collects (what he hopes to be) antique pickle jars
*****5. Unless the person specializes in training small dogs to swim
******6. Unless the person is your biggest stalker. Hmm. I might have to think about this one.
*******7. Unless the person is Astra, the blogger behind this madness. Because, seriously, I spent 5 cents at a yard sale for this beauty. I laughed for a few days. It was great.
********8. Unless the person is going to a time traveler's convention to see what sweet records he can score in the recent past
*********9. Unless the person needs inspiration for his interview with Satan
**********10. Unless the person is going to enter an Italian cooking contest

List Seven.

2007-08-05T03:27:00.001-07:00

A List Of Body Parts Tired of Being Ignored:

1. Cochlea.
2. Shoulder girdle.
3. Weenus.
4. Philtrum.
5. Halluxes.
6. Epiglottis.
7. Conjunctiva.
8. Thumb webbing.
9. Uvula.
10. Lymph nodes.

List Six.

2007-08-01T00:51:00.000-07:00

A list of rejected colors from the rainbow (that we really should include):

1. Fuchsia
2. Chartreuse
3. Lavender
4. Robin's Egg Blue
5. Creamy White
6. Raven Black
7. Aubergine
8. Silver
9. Gold
10. Invisible New Color

(Please note that Khaki was not included. There is a reason that Khaki was not included.)

List Five.

2007-07-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

A List of Things That Aren't As Cool As Panda Bear's album "Person Pitch":

1. Harry Potter.
2. Any other CD that's come out before, during or after 2007.
3. All of the icebergs in the Northern and Southern hemispheres.
4. That feeling of catching that pesky mosquito which has been plaguing you all night.
5. Marrying your true love.
6. Having a child with your true love.
7. Understanding the meaning of life.
8. Hanging out with God at the local supermarket.
9. Handing out with Satan at the local supermarket.
10. Finding that person who was your total arch nemesis in grade school and finding out that, not only are they a useless drug addict, but they actually secretly looked up to you and were a rotten communicator of his/her admiration for you. And then spitting on their face. After standing in front of them and making out with your movie star boy/girlfriend.

List Four.

2007-07-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

A List Of Things Better To Do Than Read Harry Potter:

1. Throw away all Harry Potter books or paraphernalia.
2. Or, if you don't want to litter, return all Harry Potter books or paraphernalia.
3. Translate the phrase "Harry Potter is an insipid cult that is brainwashing the best minds of our generation" into the 6800 known languages across the globe.
4. Insist on calling Harry Potter "Harry Pooper."
5. Write thank you notes to J.K. Rowling for finishing her abominable series.
6. Bake a cake for each employee at your local bookstore who is tired of selling the latest Harry Potter, er, Harry Pooper installment.
7. If you're writing about Harry Pooper, spell it "Hairy Pooper" for extra chuckles.
8. If you run across an unguarded Hairy Pooper, recall your talent for projectile vomit.
9. Convince that terrible group "Harry and the Potters" to stop writing music. Tell them that J.K. Rowling hates music. She does. It's why she writes such terrible books - she's reacting to her dislike for things inspired by those who posses actual talent.
10. After purging the world of all things Hairy Pooper, pet your cat. He hasn't been getting that much love after your all-consuming hatred for Hairy Pooper and he needs attention.

List Three.

2007-07-06T23:17:00.000-07:00

A list of things that too often have lists made for them:

1. Groceries
2. Things to do
3. Censuses
4. Countdowns
5. Your Netflix queue
6. Endangered species
7. Phone call bills
8. Recipes
9. Address books
10. Christmas letters to Santa

List Two.

2007-07-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

A list of fruits to buy at the grocery story that will confuse your cashier:

1. Cherimoya
2. Passionfruit
3. Pomelo
4. Lychee
5. Rambutan
6. Physalis
7. Feijoa
8. Durian
9. Horned melon
10. Mangosteen

List One.

2007-07-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

A list of things to call your cat (preferably large & male) that are really cute:

1. Furpants
2. Senor Fuzzface
3. Sir Tail-A-Lot
4. King of All Meows
5. Captain Fluffpower
6. Doctor McFurrykins
7. Chief Poops-In-Box
8. Colonel Darling-Soft
9. Lieutenant Fatness
10. The Purr Master

ABOUT THIS BLOG

2007-07-03T02:19:00.001-07:00

Everyone likes lists, right?

Well.

A list of people that don't like lists:

1. Casper, the Friendly Ghost - in Ghostland, there's no internet, ability to hold a pen & write on paper, and the memory is too fleeting to hold for terribly long.
2. Archie - He can only get up to two because it's always between Veronica or Betty and boy, does he not like saying who gets the first spot.
3. Napoleon - not the one that you are thinking, but the third. His hatred of lists is often called "The Napoleon III Complex."
4. Bono - if he is not number one, even if the the list is "Who Has The Dumbest Sunglasses," he gets cranky.
5. The Grim Reaper - everyone always wants to know when they are going to die and in what order and frankly, that takes the fun out of it.
6. James McCutcheon - some guy in Idaho whose mother was killed by a list.
7. Christopher Columbus - really, he only hates shopping lists. He usually forgets oranges and that makes his wife mad.
8. Franz Liszt - this one is self explanatory.
9. Captain Kirk - they just have no use in the future.
10. Pluto - he never got over why Goofy is a dog but gets to act as a human... so what's the compelling argument to make a list if no one thinks that you're a person?

These are the only people that don't like lists. Be happy you are not one of them!